I cried once at a toilet paper commercial. The mom was always purchasing the type of toilet paper the daughter did not like. One night, the doorbell rang, and the baby girl opened the big red door. The dad stood in his army gear with a bag of Charmin Ultra Soft. The street suddenly illuminated with Christmas lights, glimmering green, red, and white. The child ran, barefoot in the snow, with her pigtails bouncing, to her father. The Charmin Ultra Soft appeared at his heels and the scene cut on his tears as he hugged his daughter. 

Pure. gold. Am I right?

I cry during a lot of movies; my younger siblings are always groaning and rolling their eyes, “It’s not real, Hannah.” I am the emotional and highly sensitive one in my family. The so-called ‘good’ and ‘bad’ emotions, I have always felt deeply since I was a child. I am crossing my fingers that this will make me a more empathic counselor. Otherwise, someone, give me a discount on tissues. 

You may know this, but emotions are the hallmark of what makes us so individual and human. The way we feel, can relate to others, and love profoundly, is immensely intrinsic to the human species, beyond anything animal, deterministic, reductionist and instinctual. However, emotions sometimes have a bad rep, and we tend to give our emotions a moral code. These ones are good to feel, these ones are bad to feel. Feeling this must mean I am doing something wrong. Feeling this must mean I am doing something right. 

I am sure we can remember a moment of pure joy, or perhaps pure sadness. Or perhaps, our type of sadness is the type that swallows us up and beckons us into bed for days at a time. Maybe we remember a type where we felt nothing at all? Disconnection? It’s a scary feeling. 

Have I been deemed unworthy of feeling because of my past? Does this mean I do not love well?

And what if this nothingness and disconnection is how we feel about Jesus right now or even how we have always felt about Him? Is God even there if I can’t feel him?

Am I doing something wrong? Is He mad at me? Is He punishing me for a decision? Do I need to pray more? Have I not been sacrificial enough? 

I feel it is important to say right away, this feeling is not inherently evil. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven”.  The Psalms are filled with laments of feeling distant from God (Psalms 13, Psalms 40, Psalms 22:1, Psalms 35). It is a normal part of a relationship with God.

This may be a result of just being in a unique season with God but it doesn’t change who He is and what He has done. Sometimes though, this feeling can come from anger, and anger is usually a result of hurt. And hurt, is usually because of a shattered assumption about God. Perhaps how He was supposed to swoop in, take care of us, take care of someone we love, or just be present with us. 

I believe that having this sort of feeling towards Jesus can allow us to make harsh judgements on ourselves or use this emotion to cease even trying. Because if being in a relationship with Jesus was so worth it, wouldn’t we feel it? 

I wonder if you were to ask any married couple who have been married most of their lives if they always felt happy towards each other. We know this of relationships—it is about the highs and lows—through good times and bad. The difference is when we stick with that person, despite the feelings of disconnection. This feeling of disconnect does not dictate the level of love in the relationship. It is like emotions: a messenger, a call to notice, to be curious about, yet free of any judgment. So we know this of relationships, but do we know this of our relationship with Jesus? 

Emotions are messengers for the present moment, not messengers for the depth of relationship with God.

Emotions are tools; emotions should never indicate the sum of our relationship with Jesus. Even if that emotion is nothingness, could we admit we feel it and press into the feeling?  Are we able to just feel the feeling, notice it and then remove the apparent, ‘identifying trait’, that we think this emotion tells of who we are? 

I was once in a tight spot financially with school and asked God to provide me some relief. I felt and saw that what I had envisioned as support, was not granted. I felt alone and anxious. I remember thinking, how am I going to continue paying for school all by myself? Is the future I want even realistic? I remember feeling angry at God, and then I felt nothing towards Him. It did not matter to me if He existed at this point, because I certainly did not see the advantages of having God in my life. Matthew 7:7-8, “ask, and you shall receive”, seemed a mockery. I had to leave the expensive private university after my first year because I could not afford it. I was angry. The Deliverer did not deliver. However, what I envisioned as God ‘pulling through’, was not His plan for me. It would take me years before I realized that He was present all along, He never stopped pursuing my dreams with me. 

Six years later, I am realizing that I equated God’s existence as to whether or not He was of use to me, my plans and what I wanted to feel from Him.

I get the struggle very personally in trying to be honest with a God that perhaps has let you down or has felt distant. I do not wish to pretend it is easy. I think the first step is being honest and letting the Lord mold your heart and ask Him to do it ever so gently. 

God is not scared of our emotions—the Psalms proves that over and over again. God desires us to come to Him when we are weary and angry (Matthew 11:28).

But, it is hard, especially with those ‘bad’ emotions that seem to struggle to find a place in Christianity. Perhaps we grew up in a home where emotions were not allowed. Or perhaps only one or two were modeled, whether that was anger, sadness, joy or passive happiness which made it seem like those were the only ones allowed. Perhaps we even felt responsible for the overall emotions of the family, of a guardian. If that is already hard enough, how could we bring our emotions to Jesus? 

We have to remember that Jesus came as a human and that means, with emotions. He cried in the garden when He knew He was about to be betrayed and killed. He got angry in the market when He saw people disrespecting the temple and His Father. He even asked God on the Cross, “How come I am alone right now, where are you?” 

How beautiful, intentional and inspiring is that?

Jesus knows your heart inside and out, you might as well be honest with Him. I think that Jesus can handle your emotions, even if it is just a lack of emotion.  

I was speaking to a close friend about this topic. I asked her about her personal relationship with God and if she had ever experienced apathetic-like emotions. She blinked her eyes, seemingly in disbelief and gave an “Of course!” with her arms way up.  She simply cannot operate in connection to God all the time. My friend said that to always feel like, “I should be connected to God, creates such guilt and stress. If I stray because of nothingness and then come back, that means it is my choice to enter in the relationship and tell Jesus about my emotions, apathy and disconnect, it is not stemming from guilt or pressure, like it is what I should do”. 

So let’s take the pressure off ourselves. Let’s take the pressure of our emotions. Perhaps we can start there. And we can start being honest and perhaps, it will feel uncomfortable, but it will slowly feel relieving. Be gentle on yourself, just notice and be curious. God is curious about your heart too.